Pre-k graduation

He can really be such a goober...  

Paid no attention at all, and yawned through what was maybe 15 minutes of songs that he has sung for me non stop since they started practicing.

I have also found out, that there are at least 4 girls in his class that looooooove him!  One actually chased him around just to get a picture with him.  Another wants to marry him.  

I really am in so much trouble.  

He's such a cutie though, and so genuinely sweet....  Even the mothers adore him.

I love knowing I'm doing something really really right

Changing directions

I hate Father's Day!  There is no way around it.  I love my own father, and my three brothers are amazing fathers as well.  

Father's Day was the turning point for my relationship with my sons sperm donor.  It is now a constant reminder of the misery I had to deal with.  

But, on the other hand...  I could be thankful that the fucker who left has nothing to do with my little man.  I should be thankful.  He would have been a miserable father to this boy.  

When thinking of this I realized...  This blog became a misery.  It was all about the darkness I was feeling and the pain I had to deal with.  

My awesome friends sent me some Father's Day e-cards.  They reminded me that not only am I an amazing Mother but I'm a pretty damned good father as well.

I also noticed a large amount of women were on my pintrest board today.  Some were just re-pinning articles, others were enjoying the cards.  A number of women started following me.  (VERY AWESOME btw)

The one thing I realized is that we all don't need to focus on the crap.  We all get way too much of that anyway.  I don't know about you but reality and crap smack me in the face at least twice a day.

I choose to deal with reality and the crap with sarcasm and comedy.  Then it really hit me...  Most of us deal with reality and crap the same way.

So this is where I stop and change directions. I will continue to vent when necessary, but until then...

Let the sarcasm flow!!!

Hope you enjoy!

The system may actually work....

Well, I've complained some about the politics and restraints of the child support offices in at least two different states.
I know that NY working with TX has been a long dragged out process that has me so aggravated.  I spoke with the Law Office of NY, the Department handling the interstate case, and was told that the state of TX thought they had info, but they didn't, and they were still trying.  I would have to wait another 6 weeks before contacting them again.
Now, I'm not a quiet person, and have been dealing with NO child support for now 2 1/2 years, so I'm pretty angry.  I asked the woman (who really seems nice and is trying) if there was ANYTHING else I could possibly do.  I hate sitting back with hands tied.
I had the opportunity 2 years ago to put him in jail, and I want him there now.  What can I do?
Her response was that I could write a letter voicing my complaints, have it notarized, and send it to her and she would then send it to the state of Texas.
ARE YOU F^&%%NG Kidding me?????  Write a letter?????   That's it???  Yes, that is all I could do.

So I said thanks and I would think about it.  I'm not writing a letter to the State. 

That day I happen to check my support disbursements just in case...  I actually got $21....  What?  Where the ???  As far as I know the lazy sperm donor isn't working and refuses to speak to me about anything...
I didn't get my hopes up, maybe he just won a scratch off or something.
Two weeks later...  another deposit !!!!  
Can this be possible?  Is he working?  Did the system work? 

I'm not holding my breath for now. I'm giving it another two weeks to see if I get another deposit.
At this point any money helps..  even though he owes me about a years salary.

Fingers crossed...  this isn't the end of this.... 

Would be nice to see something good happen for all the work that Ive done...

When "Daddy" isn't around....

We now all know that child support has been an issue.  We all know that "daddy" isn't around.  When every other sentence out of my son's mouth has to do about "daddy", who knows any thing....
"My Daddy used to play (X) game with me".
"My Daddy takes me to the park."
"My Daddy talks to me all the time".

He is brought up so often, that his school asks when they see each other.

My response is usually that his father is far away.  That we have no way to get in touch with him.
The older my kid gets, the more intricate the questions get.

The last one was if I had his phone number and could we call him.  Talk about breaking my heart.
I would love it if someone could possibly give me some kind of clue about how to deal with this.  I'm completely at a loss.   How many times do you think a 5 year old will be ok hearing, "Baby, he's just far away" or "He didnt leave you baby, he had to go home to his mommy & daddy".

Having an answer as big as a billboard would be wonderful!  We know that would never happen.  It would just be nice for something to come to me and help me figure out the really difficult things that make up our lives....

The "talk" that I dread....

So, as a mother, I really am not looking forward to having to discuss s.e.x. with my son.  I'm not bothered about it, or embarrassed.  I'm just expected that conversation later on.... 
He knows the differences in boys bodies & girls bodies.  He knows the right names for everything.
So like I said, just waiting for the whole conversation to happen.
BUT Out of left field last night, I get ...
"Mommy, if girls have boy babies, do boys have girl babies?"

Wow....  then I think, that's actually some good logic for a 5 year old....

Then I think "Oh crap!"  How do I answer this?????

Out of no where, I come up with "girls have a special belly for babies, and boys don't have that belly".  he looks at me like I have ten heads and says "No Mommy, you're lying!!!" 
I offered to get Nana & Pop Pops input, and had him call them.  He should believe them....
Nana gets the same question....
"Nana, if girls have boy babies, do boys have girl babies?"

After getting her laughter under control , and me taking the phone to tell her that yes he is very serious about this, she responds.

"No Chris, boys don't have the right bellies for babies"

After he laughs for a second,,  he looks at me and looks at the phone and we get

"NANA  YOU'RE LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!  "

I guess the talk will be saved for another day...   thankfully!  and just maybe he can have that discussion with Nana...

When "Daddy" gets mentioned....

My sons sperm donor left when Chris was 18 mths old. I truly believe that my son can remember bits and pieces of his father. He remembers everything else. I left a couple of pictures in his room of his father holding him, so he saw that his father loved him. At least once upon a time.
Lately, my son talks about his father as if they hung out last week, or talked on the phone a few hours ago.
He has used his "daddy" as ammo against me... "My daddy loves me more than you do" or "I want to live with my daddy".
While I know these statements to be completely untrue, it's like a hot knife right through the heart. Every time he mentions his "daddy".
He has also said that he hates that his "daddy" left us. This kid is way too smart.
I'm not one of those bitchy ex-wives that complain and bitch and moan about their babies daddies.
Yes, I hate him for everything he has done to us. I hate him a little more each time my son cries to me about his "daddy". I do my best to not say anything negative around Chris. I don't really talk about him at all. When Chris brings him up, I just let him know that his father had to leave for himself and in no uncertain terms did it mean that his "daddy" doesn't love him.
My stomach turns each time I say it, but he doesn't need to know any different.
I wish I had a better idea of how to handle the whole "daddy" thing. I guess only time will tell me what the right way to handle it is...

For those of you who actually read this, thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings of a very confused mom..
Maybe soon someone will write back, maybe start a conversation....
If not, at least I get it off my own chest, and maybe just one person reads this and knows that she or he are not alone...

Kindergarten registration...

Just sitting here with a couple other families waiting to do this registration thing. The school must either be the best school in the work or in need I work to give people. There are approximately 20 forms I needed to fill out AND THEN because I rent, my landlord had to fill out a couple things too...
I'm surprised I didn't need to submit blood and urine samples...
This is honestly a huge hassle. In NYC I needed a few items, birth certificate, bill with my address, medical forms... But that was it. I was done.

I have a inch thick stack of forms that honestly are not even completed.
I have no idea if this will even work, but I'm going to try. If not I hope they will at least give me another couple of days...
I mean... I had three weeks... But this is really that insane...
I'll let you know what happens....

Boy issues.....

Sometimes the biggest concern when people hear that I am the single mom of a boy is who will be his male "Role Model".  I am a firm believer that I can be that. 
Thankfully I have been raised by an AMAZING Father, and have three sometimes nice brothers.
I think I can handle the boy stuff. Except one thing.....

PEEING.....

He's got the standing up thing down pat, but the can't aim.  He also believes he needs to wipe himself dry, and usually its with MY TOWEL

Now, I can only tell him every time he pees that what is doing isn't necessary.....

So this is the dilemma...  I can't really show him what to do, I can tell him and mimic what should be done, but then it just becomes a joke.

When we go to my parents house, I ask my father to help.  Now, my father is a semi-old-fashioned man, 74 years old...  he raised his 4 kids and he really doesn't need to do this.
He helps anytime Chris goes to the bathroom to show him what to do. 
I have one male friend (more like another brother)  who has offered to let Chris go in the bathroom with him so he can see what to do .
Another friend would take Chris to the bathroom with him and help him there.


I do find the whole situation pretty funny.  A little story.
My three brothers, 11 & 9 years older and 2 years younger than me. 
So when I was starting to potty train...  I was surrounded by boys.  I would sneak in the bathroom and watch my brothers.  I was very curious about boys...  (I think that explains a lot in itself) BUT....
I actually had tried to straddle the toilet bowl and pee standing up..   just like the boys do it.
If they can, why couldn't I????


Just my thought for the day.....
I figure I'm always bitching about something,,,  may as well share something cute...

Politics & Child Support

This has been a HUGE discussion with some of the single moms in my circle.  There are three of us in a closer circle at work.  Of the three of us, two can not get child support from the sperm donors. One of the two of us, can not even locate the male. I actually gave all of the offices involved his address, multiple phone numbers etc.
Now of the three of us, we each of several other friends that have the same problem.  If the total amount in arrears was added up for all of these deadbeat fathers, it would total close to $500,000. 
Again, just in my circle of friends.

What can be done?

Well, the state tells us the procedures to follow.  If they don't work, you file for enforcement.  Chose between jail time or a slap on the wrist.  Difficult decision.  Which one will actually help you get the money you need to help raise your child?

What if they move to another state?  Then you have to go to the states law offices, file a transfer, and hope that there aren't issues.  Just be prepared to wait 3 months for each action to take place. 
Example - Request to transfer was sent in January.  Cant call Texas for three months to verify its been received. Then you cant check for another three months to verify that they have located the person and verified employment.  (yes, this is what I was told after I gave them all of his information)
Apparently, In my case, its taken over two years to transfer this case and find this person and  verify his lack of employment (which I actually figured would be easy since he has been collecting unemployment for over a year). 

 

Where can we go?

Who else can we push? 

I think this has been made my new goal. 

These laws and the government entities that create them say they want to help the custodial parents. I don't see how.  All of the loop holes and grey areas, just make it easier for the non custodial parents to just disappear.  Fall off the radar and take NO responsibility for their children.
While the real parents, those of us with custody, have to become magicians.  Magically making money appear, and get bills paid, and our children clothed and fed.  AND more often than not, we cant even get financial assistance from the state.

There has to be something to say and someone who can listen.  Somewhere to be able to stand up for us.

I HATE having my hands tied like this.  I am not the kind of person to just sit and wait for things to happen.  I was raised to push for what I believed was right and to fight against what I knew to be wrong.

I will pass on anything that I find out.

Again, I'm not really sure anyone really reads my rantings, but if you do...  and maybe have some input, let me know.  Share with me. 
There are so many of us who need help....  and if the government can't or won't help, we need to help each other.

Another day...

I can't be the only one....

There are days where I just wish I could walk away from it all. Days where I wish I could hand over my son to the dead beat sperm donor who calls himself a father.
I look at Chris, and know that doing that would destroy him.
There are days when it feels like being a single mom is destroying me. Little by little.
Money is always a factor in any life. Being a single parent just multiplies that factor. It is them grossly multiplied if you do NOT receive financial support.
It is now just over two years since my ex has lost his job. He has told me that his unemployment has run out. He has told me that there are simply no jobs available where he lives.
I have gone so far as to send him information from my own friends & colleagues regarding jobs in his area.
So I continue to go without any assistance from him.
I have left it all in the hands of the great states of New York & Texas to handle this. With absolutely no surprise, I am now on my 5th "we were told they are verifying employment, and now we wait 3-4 months for a response from Texas" from NY.
The arrears for my case continues to grow. It is now becoming a nice sum of money that myself or my son will never ever see.
I have continued to get financial assistance from a private source, putting them in a bind as well.
I keep hoping I can do something so I can repay the generosity..

But I went off on the financial tangent again.

This just happens to be my biggest thorn. I think if I wasn't so stressed all the time, my wonderful, adoring son would have never come up with my newest nickname "cranky pants". Gotta love the mind of a five year old.
Gets even better when he tries so hard to make me laugh and then tells me that he doesn't want me to be in a bad mood.
He really puts himself out there some days.
That's when I know we would both be completely devastated if he wasn't with me. He also wouldn't be the affectionate caring, loving soul he is if he lived with that man.

Well, affectionate, caring & loving until he fires me again....

Just another vent session. My apologies to those that I'm boring.
Have a great night....

Child Support System

I have now been dealing with the Child Support system in N.Y. for 3 1/2 years.  I have actually received support for one of those years.  The first 6 months, he refused to give me anything.  Then the Judge had his wages garnished.  Then he lost his job almost a year to the day after that settlement. 
He hasn't had a job since.  If you have read my posts so far, you will know that he took off and moved back home to Dallas, TX in July, 2009. 
That takes Child Support issues to a whole other level.  The INTERSTATE level.
Now, most people think that Child Support is handled by the Federal Government.  That is not true. 
Each state continues to have their own regulations and procedures when it comes to support.
As with any government agency, there are levels and procedures to follow, and a chain of command that must be followed.  It would just be nice to know these steps in advance. 
Child support should not be a learn as you go process in life.
I spent an entire day, in January 2012, at the NYC Law Office to begin the process for my Interstate Child Support Case.  Mind you, He had already been out of work for a year, and I spent that year asking "WHAT CAN I DO"?  No one ever said I needed to file the interstate paperwork and with whom.
So I go to the Law Office, meet with Lawyers, and sign a bunch of forms, and am told we should have something in about 6 months. 
Great 6 more f'in months...

So in six months (yes, I waited six months to the day) I called the law office and followed that with an e-mail.  A few days later, I was called back and told that Texas had received the paperwork, but they have not yet processed it yet.  Call back in about 2-3 months.....

Yeah...  2-3 months    (Ex-hubby still out of work....)

Texas finally assigned a case number and have been working on trying to "find him" in their system.  HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND SOMEONE WHEN YOU GIVE THEM EVERYTHING?????

I called the state of Texas.  They cant speak to me.  I have to go through NY.
I call NY and they tell me they are waiting on Texas. 

Would you believe I spoke with the NY Law Office yesterday and Texas says they have a possible employer listed, and they need to verify it, so give them another 2-3 months.........
ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

My ex is now almost $50k behind, and I still cant do anything about it? 
Would you also believe that he actually asked me to forgive the arrears because he wont be able to pay them back?????

If he was a solid father, spent time with my son, and helped me to raise him, then maybe..  but you run off, never call, never ask and you want me to forgive the arrears?
How the heck do you think I have been financially taking care of my son?  Paying for his clothes, his food, rent and of course day care.

I guess its just more of a waiting game.  In the mean time, I'm going to see what else there is that I can do to push this.  I have to keep trying or else I am going to go crazy...

Curiousity....

They say curiosity killed the cat...  Well, I'm ready for it..
I'm curious if people are actually reading my rantings.  If I help anyone.  If anyone feels the same way.
I know that I am putting this out there without any hopes or dreams of becoming famous, but I guess I would like to have some validity to my thoughts.
Leave a comment, send an email...  something, anything..
If you read this, see it, glance at it...
If there is something you would like me to talk about..... you want to hear about...

Just let me know.

I'm looking forward to it

Sometimes...

My parents were awesome enough to take my son for the weekend. I went to pick him up this morning. Two hours of huggy kissy lovey son who missed his mommy. Not much later, he quits, I'm fired, I have to go away he doesn't love me.
Is it so wrong to wonder if still being his parent is the right thing to do? Is it so selfish to think about how nice things are when I'm alone?
I guess not. It may even be common. It's one of those thoughts that no one will ever talk about.
I love my son. I missed my son. I don't think anyone else could come close to loving him and caring for him like I do. Every once in a while it is kinda nice to wonder off in a day dream, and just be me. Not Christopher's Mommy, not mom, just plain Kate.

It's been awhile.....

Ive been gone and haven't written.  So much has been going on with my life and my sons.  We have moved out of Brooklyn to be closer to my job.  Saves me about 2 hours a day in commuting time.  It also gives me about 2 more hours a day to spend with Chris. 
I have also figured that writing this blog, even if no one ever reads it, can be very cathartic for me. 
I know I'm not the only parent who feels the way I do, and I know that we all go through this.  It is just that when you are in the middle of it, you feel so alone....
When we moved, Chris was not able to go into kindergarten as planned.  He missed the wonderful cut off that the Village of Valley Stream has for their kindergarten classes.  He has been in his second year of Pre-k, and despite my concern, he is doing very well.
I am one of the few very lucky single parents that have family that can assist.  Not only financially, but supportive.  I don't know what I would have done without, especially the past few months.
The person who donated the sperm, AKA the father, has not been present. Still.  He has not even been financially responsible.  Still.
He has been out of work for two years, and claims there is NOTHING he can get.  So we continue to move on with out him.

Christopher turned 5 on December 19.  It seems as if a switch was flipped.  Between his birthday and the holidays, and I'm sure school is talking about families, the discussions of Daddy have come up frequently.  All I've told him so far is that Daddy is far away, and we cant see him.  To be fair, Daddy lives in Texas, so this is a clear truth.  Chris does know that his father lives in Texas, and he also has a half brother.  He has actually spoken to his half-brother more then his own father. 

For now, I just take the frustration and confusion that my son feels, on my own shoulders.  Constantly listening to, "My daddy loves me", "My daddy takes such good care of me", "My daddy is better than you are Mommy", and my favorite of all "Its all your fault Mommy.  You made daddy leave".

I have friends that try their best to understand, and they say their kids say the same things.  I understand that.  The only difference is that the harsh words can be divided by the two parents at any given time.  A child can "hate" one parent and think the other one is their favorite at the same time.  A child can "hate" one parent one day, then the next day "hate" the other. 
When all of your childs feelings, love, anger, hate, fear, sadness are directed at one single parent, it can tear you apart form the inside out.  Usually there is no time to even reover from one emotion.

Holy Cow!!!!  I am rambling today....  I must have a lot to get off my chest....
I am going to continue here.  Hopefully meet some other single parents from this.  Maybe let at least one other single parent know they arent alone....
I dont know...

Here is us being silly.  I try to get as many moments of this as possible....