NEW YEAR!!!!!

Every one starts their new year off with a list of resolutions that by March, they barely remember what they were.
I decided that this year, would be my year to just better myself.  No "I'm going to lose weight", or "I'm going to start exercising".   I just want to be a better ME.
So far, I have started my Home Budget Binder, a new journal, eating healthier, and trying to purge the excess junk in my house.
I'm also trying to get Chris to do the same.  I want him to start eating healthier and purging some of his extra toys.  All he keeps talking about now if what he is going to get, and his list for Christmas next year.
Now, I of course have already gone through some of his toys and moved them out.  He doesn't even realize it.  He needs to learn that he cant keep adding to this pile of toys.  He needs to follow the "new in, old out" theory.  I have spoiled him.  Its easy to try to over compensate when you are a single parent.  Especially when the child is looking for the other parent and they are no where to be found.

The end of 2013 for me was awful.  My son's sperm donor decided to respond to a text I sent after about 15 others to try to contact him.  It was a disgusting show of obscenity and a farce. I did allow him to call Chris for his birthday, as long as he understood that he would be on speaker and if he said anything negative about me that would be the last call.
It was the most insensitive phone call.  Like the call was just done to anger me.  "How tall are you now?" "what sports do you play?" just examples of the conversation....

I'm at the point where I really just want him as far away as possible.  I want Chris to know absolutely NOTHING about his sperm donor.  I won't do that to him, but I really want to.


Later I will post pics from Chris's birthday and Christmas and fill you in some more. 

I just hope this year will be the year for ME!!!!  Fingers crossed everyone. 

"Hold on tight, its going to a bumpy night"

Pre-k graduation

He can really be such a goober...  

Paid no attention at all, and yawned through what was maybe 15 minutes of songs that he has sung for me non stop since they started practicing.

I have also found out, that there are at least 4 girls in his class that looooooove him!  One actually chased him around just to get a picture with him.  Another wants to marry him.  

I really am in so much trouble.  

He's such a cutie though, and so genuinely sweet....  Even the mothers adore him.

I love knowing I'm doing something really really right

Changing directions

I hate Father's Day!  There is no way around it.  I love my own father, and my three brothers are amazing fathers as well.  

Father's Day was the turning point for my relationship with my sons sperm donor.  It is now a constant reminder of the misery I had to deal with.  

But, on the other hand...  I could be thankful that the fucker who left has nothing to do with my little man.  I should be thankful.  He would have been a miserable father to this boy.  

When thinking of this I realized...  This blog became a misery.  It was all about the darkness I was feeling and the pain I had to deal with.  

My awesome friends sent me some Father's Day e-cards.  They reminded me that not only am I an amazing Mother but I'm a pretty damned good father as well.

I also noticed a large amount of women were on my pintrest board today.  Some were just re-pinning articles, others were enjoying the cards.  A number of women started following me.  (VERY AWESOME btw)

The one thing I realized is that we all don't need to focus on the crap.  We all get way too much of that anyway.  I don't know about you but reality and crap smack me in the face at least twice a day.

I choose to deal with reality and the crap with sarcasm and comedy.  Then it really hit me...  Most of us deal with reality and crap the same way.

So this is where I stop and change directions. I will continue to vent when necessary, but until then...

Let the sarcasm flow!!!

Hope you enjoy!

The system may actually work....

Well, I've complained some about the politics and restraints of the child support offices in at least two different states.
I know that NY working with TX has been a long dragged out process that has me so aggravated.  I spoke with the Law Office of NY, the Department handling the interstate case, and was told that the state of TX thought they had info, but they didn't, and they were still trying.  I would have to wait another 6 weeks before contacting them again.
Now, I'm not a quiet person, and have been dealing with NO child support for now 2 1/2 years, so I'm pretty angry.  I asked the woman (who really seems nice and is trying) if there was ANYTHING else I could possibly do.  I hate sitting back with hands tied.
I had the opportunity 2 years ago to put him in jail, and I want him there now.  What can I do?
Her response was that I could write a letter voicing my complaints, have it notarized, and send it to her and she would then send it to the state of Texas.
ARE YOU F^&%%NG Kidding me?????  Write a letter?????   That's it???  Yes, that is all I could do.

So I said thanks and I would think about it.  I'm not writing a letter to the State. 

That day I happen to check my support disbursements just in case...  I actually got $21....  What?  Where the ???  As far as I know the lazy sperm donor isn't working and refuses to speak to me about anything...
I didn't get my hopes up, maybe he just won a scratch off or something.
Two weeks later...  another deposit !!!!  
Can this be possible?  Is he working?  Did the system work? 

I'm not holding my breath for now. I'm giving it another two weeks to see if I get another deposit.
At this point any money helps..  even though he owes me about a years salary.

Fingers crossed...  this isn't the end of this.... 

Would be nice to see something good happen for all the work that Ive done...

When "Daddy" isn't around....

We now all know that child support has been an issue.  We all know that "daddy" isn't around.  When every other sentence out of my son's mouth has to do about "daddy", who knows any thing....
"My Daddy used to play (X) game with me".
"My Daddy takes me to the park."
"My Daddy talks to me all the time".

He is brought up so often, that his school asks when they see each other.

My response is usually that his father is far away.  That we have no way to get in touch with him.
The older my kid gets, the more intricate the questions get.

The last one was if I had his phone number and could we call him.  Talk about breaking my heart.
I would love it if someone could possibly give me some kind of clue about how to deal with this.  I'm completely at a loss.   How many times do you think a 5 year old will be ok hearing, "Baby, he's just far away" or "He didnt leave you baby, he had to go home to his mommy & daddy".

Having an answer as big as a billboard would be wonderful!  We know that would never happen.  It would just be nice for something to come to me and help me figure out the really difficult things that make up our lives....

The "talk" that I dread....

So, as a mother, I really am not looking forward to having to discuss s.e.x. with my son.  I'm not bothered about it, or embarrassed.  I'm just expected that conversation later on.... 
He knows the differences in boys bodies & girls bodies.  He knows the right names for everything.
So like I said, just waiting for the whole conversation to happen.
BUT Out of left field last night, I get ...
"Mommy, if girls have boy babies, do boys have girl babies?"

Wow....  then I think, that's actually some good logic for a 5 year old....

Then I think "Oh crap!"  How do I answer this?????

Out of no where, I come up with "girls have a special belly for babies, and boys don't have that belly".  he looks at me like I have ten heads and says "No Mommy, you're lying!!!" 
I offered to get Nana & Pop Pops input, and had him call them.  He should believe them....
Nana gets the same question....
"Nana, if girls have boy babies, do boys have girl babies?"

After getting her laughter under control , and me taking the phone to tell her that yes he is very serious about this, she responds.

"No Chris, boys don't have the right bellies for babies"

After he laughs for a second,,  he looks at me and looks at the phone and we get

"NANA  YOU'RE LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!  "

I guess the talk will be saved for another day...   thankfully!  and just maybe he can have that discussion with Nana...

When "Daddy" gets mentioned....

My sons sperm donor left when Chris was 18 mths old. I truly believe that my son can remember bits and pieces of his father. He remembers everything else. I left a couple of pictures in his room of his father holding him, so he saw that his father loved him. At least once upon a time.
Lately, my son talks about his father as if they hung out last week, or talked on the phone a few hours ago.
He has used his "daddy" as ammo against me... "My daddy loves me more than you do" or "I want to live with my daddy".
While I know these statements to be completely untrue, it's like a hot knife right through the heart. Every time he mentions his "daddy".
He has also said that he hates that his "daddy" left us. This kid is way too smart.
I'm not one of those bitchy ex-wives that complain and bitch and moan about their babies daddies.
Yes, I hate him for everything he has done to us. I hate him a little more each time my son cries to me about his "daddy". I do my best to not say anything negative around Chris. I don't really talk about him at all. When Chris brings him up, I just let him know that his father had to leave for himself and in no uncertain terms did it mean that his "daddy" doesn't love him.
My stomach turns each time I say it, but he doesn't need to know any different.
I wish I had a better idea of how to handle the whole "daddy" thing. I guess only time will tell me what the right way to handle it is...

For those of you who actually read this, thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings of a very confused mom..
Maybe soon someone will write back, maybe start a conversation....
If not, at least I get it off my own chest, and maybe just one person reads this and knows that she or he are not alone...